When Michelle and Patrick got married almost fifteen years ago, we were determined to be a happily married couple with children. Now, what does that even mean? How do we define “happily married”, and what are the most important qualities we want in our long term relationships?

When we started teaching Marriage Prep 101 Workshops ten years ago, we wanted to help other couples strengthen their relationships, be intentional, and learn how to prevent or reduce relationship problems. Since we practice what we teach, we are continually “working” on our own relationship.

Both of us come from traditional families. Even though Michelle’s mom worked full time, she had a traditional role defined relationship her husband. As a young girl, Michelle knew that she definitely wanted to be a mother. However, she was not so sure about the “wife” role. In her family, the mother took care of the children, cooking, cleaning, laundry and all other domestic responsibilities. She worked full time as a teacher, mother and homemaker, and had little time to take care of herself, friendships or interests outside the home. The father was responsible for work and managing the finances, and both parents spent little time cultivating their own friendship or romantic relationship.

Patrick’s mom was a stay at home mom, and his father worked in New York City. They had a traditional marriage with four children, and little focus on couple closeness or connection.

As both of us grew up, we vowed to be different from our families of origin. We wanted to find and create a relationships that would be egalitarian, loving, interesting and fun. Yes, we are ambitious about marriage. Why not? We are proactive and intentional about our education, career, hobbies and interests. Most things that we are successful at require investment, work and commitment. We feel the same about marriage and family life.

In a recent New York Times article, “Married (Happily) With Issues” the author, Elizabeth Weil realizes that she has been laissez faire about her marriage. She takes her husband on a journey of marriage improvement with self help books, psychoanalytic couples therapy, marriage class and sex therapy. Unfortunately it seems that this couple did not find the best match in therapists or workshops to help them.

Reasonable goals of couples therapy and workshops are: helping couples grow closer, feel more connected, learn how to resolve conflicts better, develop more empathy and acceptance, highlight strengths, increase positivity, warmth and sense of humor. Research has found that distressed couples wait an average of six years before seeking help. Unfortunately many couples therapists focus too much on problems, conflicts and diagnoses.

We wish they had found a couples therapist or workshop that helped them increase empathy and connection. We hope they will continue to grow in acceptance, kindness, respect and fondness for each other. Couples can improve their relationships with or without professional help. Being intentional, proactive and positive are the early steps to building lifelong relationships.

Some people are discouraged about marriage and relationships. However, we are optimistic that couples can figure out ways to live in harmony. Of all of the things that we have accomplished in our live, our happy, successful marriage is the one we have both worked the hardest for. We are both psychologists in private practice helping individuals and couples live more positive, proactive lives. Our Marriage Prep 101 Workshop has been a wonderful opportunity to help dating, engaged and newlywed couples. A surprise benefit is that our workshops help our relationship too!

We encourage couples to talk about their sex lives with each other, and commit to making their physical relationship be an important way to connect with each other. Research by sex therapist, Dr Barry McCarthy found “When couples are happy enough with their sex life, it only accounts for 15% of how happy they are in their relationship. However, when either person is unhappy with their sex life it can account for 85% of their relationship happiness”

Take this online quiz to learn about your sexual preferences, and then share them in a non judgmental, curious, supportive way.

We wanted to say, “Hello”, and invite you to check out our new Marriage Prep 101 Website. Please take a look, and let us know what you think. We hope you are all well, and enjoying the beautiful Autumn season.

After many years of hearing from our Marriage Prep 101 couples and friends that we “Need to come into the 21st century”…We listened. We finally switched from AOL to G-Mail; created 3 YouTube videos; joined Facebook and Twitter; and Michelle is now even blogging at Dr Michelle Gannon.

We invite you to interact with us on Facebook and Twitter. We have a Marriage Prep 101 Facebook Page, and Michelle is having fun on Twitter.

In Michelle’s Blog, Dr Michelle Gannon, she has written about various topics so far including: Keeping Sexual Intimacy Alive, Happiness, Need to be Adored and Cherished, Women’s Body Image, Parenting, No Kids/Marriage Vacations and Movie Reviews. Please let us know what topics you would like to read about, and we will try to accommodate.

Our last Marriage Prep 101 Workshop of 2009 is November 6/7th. It is almost sold out, but please do let any of your engaged, newlywed and seriously dating friends and colleagues know about our workshops. Our 2010 dates are now available for registration too. We continue to help couples focus on their strengths, communication and conflict resolution skills, expectations, time, sex, money, emotional intimacy, family of origin and more.

After a decade of teaching Marriage Prep 101- 80 Workshops to over 1200 couples- Word of Mouth is still are most popular way that couples hear about Marriage Prep 101.

Thank You so much for all of your support and friendship. We look forward to interacting with you more!

Warmly,

Drs Michelle and Patrick Gannon

The U.S. Catholic Conference was one of several organizations lending financial and/or institutional support for the study’s completion. The study is intended to help diocesan marriage preparation programs be more effective in counseling engaged couples about what to expect in married life, according to Gail Risch, one of study’s authors and a member of the marriage and family center of the Jesuit-run university in Omaha, Neb. “Although the early years of marriage involve much that is applicable to marriage in general, there are experiences, needs and issues unique to the first five years,” the study says.

It said the findings are applicable only to educated, white U.S. Catholics, and “not to the entire Catholic population in the United States.” It cited the inability to obtain a sufficient number of replies from Spanish-speaking couples who had taken the personal inventory for engaged couples used in many U.S. dioceses.

The study used a random sample drawn from couples who had completed the FOCCUS inventory and had agreed to participate in future research. A mailing of questionnaires resulted in a total sample of 947 couples, or 1,894 individuals. Out of that a total of 793 individual questionnaires were returned, which the study called a “highly acceptable” response rate of 48.5 percent; 35.7 percent of the returns were completed questionnaires from both spouses.

Other top problematic issues the study showed were, in order, husband’s employment; overall financial situation; expectations about household tasks; constant bickering; communication with spouse; parents or in-laws; and time spent together with spouse.

Communication and conflict resolution formed a cluster of issues the Creighton study identified as appearing regularly among top problematic issues, though they did not make any subgroup’s top-ten lists.

The study said respondents did offer three pieces of advice to married couples: “Communicate, communicate, communicate.” It also found that couples whose parents had never divorced reported debt the newlyweds brought into marriage — especially college debt — as a top issue. The stability of the parents’ marriage, the study reasoned, enabled their children to go to college, for which they incurred debt. Debt issues were much less prevalent for couples where at least one partner’s parents had divorced.

The study showed that more than half the respondents had cohabited with their spouse prior to marriage. It said that on problematic issues, respondents who had cohabited and those who had not were generally similar. While not statistically significant, according to marriage and family center director Michael G. Lawler, a higher percentage of respondents (15.2 percent) who had cohabited “with their spouse and others” said they were “maritally distressed,” compared to respondents who had cohabited only “with their spouse or others” (13.3 percent) or those who had not cohabited at all (13.2 percent). Respondents who did not cohabit prior to marriage had significantly higher average scores than those who did cohabit regarding religious behaviors, personal faith, church attendance and joint religious activities.

One solution toward relieving marital stress and distress the study listed would be to “extend the dual-career family into a tri-career family, establishing the family itself as a third career whose responsibilities and obligations are symmetrical with the other two careers,” the study reported.

Reported by the Catholic News Service, Washington D.C. (Reprinted here under the Fair Use Provision of the US Copyright Law).

Divorce tends to be emotionally gut-wrenching for the people who go through it (not to mention those around them). But most couples don’t realize that divorce can also be among the most ruinous financial moves anyone can make.

Sure, you could bet big and lose on a single stock or money manager. Or your small business could go bankrupt, taking your life savings with it. But divorce and the costs that often come with it — from legal bills to the sudden need for an additional residence — affect far more people.

The risk that any marriage will end in divorce is about 45 percent, according to David Popenoe, a professor of sociology emeritus at Rutgers University. The chances fall to about 40 percent for first marriages and decline further for college-educated couples, people from intact families and couples who share the same religion.

Given the various financial complications, I’ve long wanted to devote a series of columns to divorce and money. This week, I’ll start with a topic that could save some marriages if more people made it a priority. It’s crucial to air and resolve financial disagreements beforehand.

“It’s almost impossible to be hooked up to somebody who has the same balance of spender and saver as you, or expansiveness versus conservativeness or financial circumstances,” says Gregory A. Kuhlman, a New York City psychologist who runs marriage success training programs with his wife, Patricia Schell Kuhlman.

He adds that the mix gets even more volatile with second marriages, when couples may have children, ingrained financial habits and savings or other assets that necessitate the discussion of a prenuptial agreement. “Success in marriage is only partly attributable to compatibility. It’s about how you manage those differences and whether you have a style for doing so that is successful.”

What follows is a list of four financial issues that ought to be near the top of the discussion list before getting married. Please add to the list in the comments of the online version of this article.

ANCESTRY When Lisa J. B. Peterson started her Boston-based financial planning firm, Lantern Financial, she knew she wanted to focus her practice on young professionals. She quickly realized that many of them could use premarital financial counseling and built a program called Harmoney around their needs.

One of the first things she asks clients about is what she refers to as their financial ancestry. “It’s looking back at your own personal past,” she says. “How did your parents deal with money, how does that impact how you deal with it, and how might that impact the couple’s relationship?”

Because so many of our money behaviors are learned, she asks couples to share their earliest money memories — whether their father hid money from their mother or how either parent fretted over the funds available. This can be a particularly intense discussion for people whose parents were divorced, and the stories are sometimes accompanied by tears. “Money is so emotional, and people forget that,” Ms. Peterson says. “You think that it’s just numbers.”

CREDIT While it’s about the least romantic subject imaginable, your credit history holds a chunk of your permanent financial record. It follows naturally from the ancestry conversation, and Lantern Financial pulls credit reports and scores for its clients.

Molly Milinazzo and Scott Donovan, an engaged couple who live in the Dorchester section of Boston and are both 24 years old, were relieved to discover that their scores were within about 15 points of one another when they went through the Harmoney program in May. “A lot of people end up surprised, and it’s best to keep those kinds of surprises at bay,” Ms. Milinazzo says.

Full disclosure on the credit front is useful for two reasons. First, a credit report is, in part, a catalog of past mistakes and overall habits — loan payments you missed or department store credit cards you didn’t really need. That in itself is a good starting point for a discussion about what you’ve learned (or still need to learn) about handling money.

There’s an immediate practical side to this, too. If there are errors or low credit scores that a couple can improve, there may still be time to make the fixes so that the couple can get the best rates on a loan for their first home a year or two later.

CONTROL Figuring out who will pay the bills each month may not seem to be an important conversation or assignment. But it gets tricky when both people want to take it on. “People understand that in a relationship, money is control,” says Jeff Kostis, a financial planner in Vernon Hills, Ill., who walks engaged couples and newlyweds through a checklist of questions. “If you’re not paying the bills, you don’t know where the money is going, and you feel like ‘He doesn’t want me to go out with my friends’ or ‘She doesn’t want me to play in the fantasy football pool.’ ”

For two people who have both been on their own for a while and don’t want to give up doing the monthly financial chores their own way, Mr. Kostis suggests, at a minimum, regular household meetings complete with Quicken or other spreadsheets so that the person writing the checks can keep the other one up to speed. With more stubborn couples, he might suggest handing the controls back and forth at the beginning of each year.

Mr. Kuhlman, who explains the counseling approach he and his wife take with clients at stayhitched.com, says it shouldn’t be surprising that control issues come up constantly when talking about money. “It’s concrete, you can see it,” he says. “It’s not ephemeral or less measurable, like affection.”

A few things that he suggests couples discuss early on: If one person is making most or all of the money, does that person get to make most or all of the financial decisions? If you’re the car aficionado or have researched all of the local school options for the children, do you get to make the decisions about those things? “These are the kinds of things that don’t come out when you’re dating,” he says.

AFFLUENCE Here’s another question that tends not to come up during courtship: Just how rich do we want to be one day? Mr. Kuhlman refers to this more politely as the “desired level of affluence.” “Are our career paths going to be something that pulls us together? Or, more often, are they things that will tend to pull us apart, where we’ll really have to be proactive to make sure it’s under control?” he says.

Mr. Kostis might put it a bit more bluntly, say to a spouse of an aspiring investment banker or corporate lawyer: Are you O.K. with acting essentially as a single parent, with your partner working 80 hours a week until the age of 80? “Not that there is a right or wrong answer,” he says. “It’s just about understanding, going into the marriage, what that would really mean.”

He adds that people in the financial advice business often joke that they spend half their time talking about money and the other half acting as marriage counselor. “But it’s the same communication style,” he says. “You’re giving people permission to be honest without having someone jump down their throat for giving the answer that they really want to give.”

In the last year of my first marriage, our sex life had gone the way of the dodo. The passion we’d once felt for each other, romantically and sexually, had turned to passionate anger and disillusionment.

Our baby, his job, my writing — all had taken a toll on our quality time. We were so mad at each other all the time, in that pouty, noncommunicative way twentysomethings have of relating, that I could not even bear the idea of sex with him. I was so ashamed of what we, a torrid twosome since senior year in college, had become that I couldn’t even talk to friends about it.

Little did I know that had we gone through this 20 years later, we would have had the satisfaction of knowing we had the social illness du jour: sexless marriage. It would have been the topic of talk shows and magazine cover stories and cocktail parties, and I would not have felt so alone.

Which raises the question: Is there really an epidemic of no-sex relationships? Or has it always been thus, and people are just now feeling comfortable talking about it?

Michelle Gannon, who with her husband, Patrick Gannon, teaches the Marriage Prep 101 class for pre-newlyweds, says it’s most definitely a disheartening trend.

“I just returned from the annual Smart Marriage conference, and the latest studies show that around 20 percent of all marriages are sexless, which means having sex fewer than 10 times a year. I see it in my practice as well.”

Michele Weiner Davis, in her best-selling book, “The Sex-Starved Marriage” (Simon & Schuster, $24), says the problem is “grossly underreported,” which, given the amount of attention the problem has gotten lately, must mean the problem is huge.

There has been a flood of books on the subject in addition to Davis’, including “In the Mood, Again: A Couple’s Guide to Reawakening Sexual Desire” (New Harbinger, $14.95) by Kathleen Cervenka, “Resurrecting Sex: Resolving Sexual Problems and Rejuvenating Your Relationship” (HarperCollins, $24.95) by David Schnarch and James Maddock and “Rekindling Desire: A Step-by-Step Program to Help Low-Sex and No-Sex Marriages” (Brunner-Routledge, $16.95) by Barry and Emily McCarthy.

The market for Viagra continues to boom, as does the new market for women’s libido-enhancing pharmaceuticals and herbal supplements.

If 10 times a year equals sexual starvation, how often does the average married or long-term-coupled person have sex? A 2002 study by the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago says married couples report that they have sex 68.5 times a year (presumably that .5 owing to coitus interruptus). (This is of course reported, not observed at bedside, so no one knows whether it’s true and accurate.)

My own theory for the proliferation of talk — and books and products, etc. — on saving/enhancing your sex life has to do with the expectations of my generation, the Baby Boomers. Because we launched the sexual revolution and discovered decades ago that sex can make a fantastic pastime, when we get to That Certain Age, golf just won’t do.

We have assumed all this time that our sex lives will always be robust, married or not. But the realities of life inevitably interrupt the fantasies created in the ’60s. And when they do, it’s a bummer, man.

“Many couples have trouble dealing with the disappointment that it’s not as exciting anymore,” says Michelle Gannon. “Research shows that the first six months of being in love with someone is as effective as an antidepressant. Then it wears off and people think there is something wrong with the relationship.”

Other realities — kids, work, stress — all take their toll. It’s tempting to employ the media’s current title for the syndrome — DINS: Double Income No Sex. But research indicates that sexual burnout is not based on both partners being overworked at the office. Couples with stay-at-home partners experience sexual switch-offs, too.

Physical reasons can include fatigue — cited in studies as the chief culprit — as well as menopause, alcohol problems and other illnesses. And our sexual hard-wiring — our baseline need for sex — can also trip us up.

“It’s amazing how many high-desire folks get together with low-desire,” Gannon laughs. “Life would be so easy if a couple’s desire level matched perfectly, but they rarely do.”

Gannon says emotional reasons are as responsible for sexual dysfunction as physical ones.

“Poor body image and self-esteem issues — not feeling as attractive — are often to blame. Also anger and resentment towards your partner. And complacency. Couples experiencing sexual problems just figure, ‘This happens, so what can you do about it?’ They stop talking about it. They won’t deal with it. And the longer you go, the lower your desire falls.”

Unfortunately, she notes, the consequences are not just a diminished quality of life.

“The upshot can be infidelity. Forty percent of married men and 25 percent of married women are having sex outside their marriages. And that doesn’t even include cyber sex.”

Out of the country’s 56 million married couples — and many long-term gay and lesbian couples — does anyone still have a healthy sex life? Experts seem to be universal in their opinion that although sex is just one part of a happy union, most truly happy couples include it.

The good news, says Gannon, is that no matter how fallow the marital field has become, it can become fertile again. But it takes some work.

“Some couples have deeper issues to settle before they can even think about getting intimate again. You have to communicate more, have romantic time, and you’re going have to just do it,” says Gannon. “Did you know that half the population feels desire and then acts on it, and the other half does not feel desire until they start kissing and touching? It’s a good case for not waiting to be ‘in the mood.’ ” She also encourages her patients to “expand the definition of sex, so that there is more daily affection in the relationship. Touching, hand-holding, kissing.”

My own advice to friends who complain about the lack of sex in their long- term relationships is pretty basic: Examine your priorities. If they say they’re too busy for sex, I suggest they keep track of what they do that makes them too busy. Do they spend hours watching TV or going online? Playing golf on weekends?

Consider scrapping those plans and having sex, I tell them. It’s sweeter to be intimate with a real live person than a computer, and the exercise definitely beats the pants — no pun intended — off golf.

Swing from the chandeliers to perk up old flame
We asked The Chronicle’s Two Cents pool to share some of their views on the lack of sex in long-term relationships. Not surprisingly — this is the Bay Area! — most couples, while admitting that it’s something to constantly guard against, did not view the syndrome as an insurmountable problem. Some stories follow.

Jill — married more than 20 years

I don’t exactly understand this big hoopla over the sexless marriage, although there have been times when it was sexless. But you still stay with it,

and know that it will get better again. You don’t just dump someone whom you’ve loved since you were 17. We get out of ruts by being extremely silly. If it takes swinging on chandeliers to get it going, that’s fine. Once I went to a bar in fishnet tights and let myself be picked up by my husband. Another time we went out to the beach and set up our tent and made love. You have to get creative. Moonlight and roses are wonderful, but you don’t have to have them. Even if it’s just an hour, you have to make time for each other, which is a difficult thing in this world.

Frank — in a gay relationship for 17 years

The passion sort of comes and goes, and varies with our emotional life, things that are going on in our lives. One of the surprises I had in this regard was that one of the peaks was when my mother was dying of cancer. I guess I was thinking a lot about mortality, and I needed to reach out and connect with my other loved ones. We change the routine to get out of our ruts.

Travel is really good for that, as is changing the location, or the time. Our sex life has definitely declined, but when we have it, it’s really, really good. We are very tuned in to each other now. Even though it may not be as frequent, there is a larger emotional content to the physical act.

Michael, together eight years, married three, one child (a baby)

Since the birth of the baby, things have been quite a bit different. We haven’t gotten back the level of intimacy we had before, but we accept it as a couple. It’s not a problem — yet — but we’re definitely looking forward to the pre-baby sexual scenario. We have done a number of things to get through the down time until the baby is old enough — we freed up time during the week as a date night. It’s important to us to keep the romance part of our relationship alive. It all stems from open and honest communication.

Shelley — in a lesbian relationship for two years

I’m very conscious of the whole idea of “lesbian bed death” because it’s happened to me in previous long-term relationships, so we’re trying really hard not fall into that. We think about that a lot. My girlfriend travels a lot for business, so I try to slip some kind of little note in her luggage. I put one in the book she was taking on the plane. We also have this thing we call fund-raising. We have a jar, and every time we have sex we put a dollar in it. We laugh about it. “Oh, a long weekend! There will be some good fund raising!” We try to be playful about it, but at the same time are committed to setting good patterns from the get-go.

Joe — married 20 years, no children

It goes through peaks and valleys, for sure. It’s in a bit of a trough right now, mostly brought on by job stress. It’s hard being with just one person and finding ways to keep it interesting. But there are ways of working on it. The thing that works with us is that, beyond everything else, we are very good friends. We can acknowledge what’s going on and talk about the dynamics.

BJ — with gay partner for 20 years, two grown daughters from former marriage

I am very committed to my partner. But we are not traditionally monogamous. We didn’t begin our live-in arrangement with expectations about monogamy. The first one to three years were vital, passionate, intense. We have found that we are quite receptive to mutual involvement outside the relationship. Inevitably it evolves a mutuality in which the personal dynamic transcends sex per se but does not exclude it. The key for us is trust and communication. And the rule we have is “”no secrets.”

More couples are getting premarital education, perhaps thinking it may give their new marriages divorce protection. And new research suggests they may well be right.

Premarital education “is associated with higher levels of marital satisfaction, lower levels of destructive conflicts and higher levels of interpersonal commitment to spouses,” says the study, published this spring in the Journal of Family Psychology. Based on a random phone survey of 3,344 adults in four states, it says couples who received premarital education had a 31% lower chance of divorce. The number of hours spent in premarital programs ranged from as little as a few hours to 20 hours. The median was eight hours.

Most religious denominations suggest that their engaged couples participate in such programs; Catholicism requires it. But now, others also are giving them a try.

“The reason this has become more important, at least culturally if not religiously, is that people are beginning to try and figure out ways to prevent divorce,” says Deborah Caldwell, managing editor of Beliefnet.com, a multi-faith religion website.

Unlike premarital counseling, which involves the couple alone and may focus on their conflicts and trouble spots, premarital education takes place in a group; classes provide general relationship advice.

Because premarital education aims to lower the risk of divorce and identify problem areas before the wedding, experts suggest couples start such programs six months to a year out.

Scott Stanley, co-founder of a premarital and marital education program and a co-author of the journal study, says increased interest in premarital education follows a cultural trend “to be much more accepting of education as a way to improve one’s ability to do life well.” He is speaking this week at the Smart Marriages Conference in Atlanta.

His study surveyed adults in Arkansas, Kansas, Oklahoma and Texas in 2001. Only 7% of those married there during the 1930s and 1940s got premarital education, compared with 44% of those married since 1990.

Apparent benefits were the same across race, income and education, but there was at least one difference.

“It looks like everyone has the same benefit, but they don’t have the same access,” Stanley says.

William Doherty, a professor of family social science at the University ofMinnesota, is among those who want to improve that access. He has created a DVD designed to give prospective brides and grooms a dose of premarital education amid the logistics of their wedding planning. The two-hour mini-course is aimed at managing what Doherty calls the “people stress” of preparing for the big event.

Wedding planning advice abounds, from a plethora of books to websites and chat rooms that let brides-to-be vent about their soon-to-be in-laws or their own family issues. But Doherty says their advice is simplistic.

Marcy Twete, 22, of Minneapolis, and fiancé Matthew Harrington, 23, of New Richmond, Wis., were among a small group invited to attend a preview of Doherty’s DVD session earlier this year.

Their July 29 wedding has prompted her to look at lots of books and wedding websites, but they don’t tell brides much about the background issues related to family dynamics.

“It’s all focused on flowers and pictures and everything else. Nobody takes into consideration what’s going to happen to the family after the wedding is over,” Twete says. “It really is about joining two families.”

Then you recall a suggestion from your wedding officiant. Or was it your friend? They surprised you by commenting that all this planning was for only one day while the marriage was for a lifetime. Then they asked what you were doing to prepare for marriage? You stopped to think but came up with nothing. All of your attention has been focused on the wedding preparations. Before you could explain, they made a suggestion you would never have considered: take a marriage preparation class or schedule some pre-marital counseling sessions. Your initial response was, “Why us? We are SO in love, he is such a wonderful man.” Later on, you asked yourself, “Do we really need this with all that we have going on?”

The short but emphatic answer is YES! If you think about it, marriage preparation just makes good sense–and it certainly can’t hurt! Couples are surprised how much there is to learn about creating a lifelong marriage. Long-time married couples will tell you “strong marriages don’t just happen, they are created!” The simple truth is that even with the best matches, all couples can benefit from learning how to build satisfying, committed marriages. But don’t take it on faith, let the facts explain the reasoning.

The Case for Marriage Preparation

You have probably read the statistics before and know they are not encouraging. Half of all marriages end in divorce. Divorce rates are even higher for second marriages. Half of those who do stay together report lowered marital satisfaction within a few years of marrying. The risk for divorce is greatest in the first five years. Having children often lowers relationship satisfaction. Spending enough time together, establishing a pleasurable sex life and managing shared finances are the major challenges newlywed couples must resolve in the first five years of marriage.

Studies show that getting married is a major life transition and how the marriage is established in the early years shape how the marriage will unfold over the long term. Research has also shown that certain types of marriage preparation programs are particularly effective at preventing divorce, lowering the risk by 30% when couples practice specific relationship skills. The lesson to be drawn from this research is crystal clear: investing in your marital relationship now during the “magic window”–the year before and after marriage–may be the best wedding gift you could ever receive!

But there is another reason to invest in marriage education that is not at all about divorce prevention. Everyone wants the best marriage possible. Today’s couples have especially high expectations for what they want from a marriage. Contrary to popular myth, marrying your soulmate doesn’t necessarily inoculate you against the inevitable pressures of modern life. You want a spouse who can build a shared vision of the future with you, collaborate on raising children, create an open, trusting and accepting partnership that takes into account personal and career goals while offering the nurturance, support and protection of a committed relationship. You also want great communication, great lovemaking and great times–now and forever! Of course, that’s no easy task. Just ask anyone who’s been married for thirty years!

Choosing the Right Program for You

If you are open to doing some marriage preparation, how do you know which program is right for you? The answer has to do with who you are, what your religious practice is, where you are getting married and what is most convenient to your schedule. Fortunately, there are several options to consider. Here is an overview of what the field offers today.

The marriage preparation field is divided into three broad categories: faith-based church programs, private pre-marital counseling services and skill-based classes and workshops. Each have their own strengths and advantages based on their different approaches, the time commitments involved and their costs.

Faith-Based Programs

Faith-based marriage preparation got its start back in the 19th Century when a group of Catholic Spanish wives wanted to help their future husbands prepare for the sacrament of marriage. Engaged Encounter as the Catholic program is called today, has rapidly proliferated around the world. It is presented by a lay husband and wife team who has volunteered to present a marriage curriculum with the help of a priest who may have training in pastoral counseling.

These programs are offered either as a weekend workshop located at a church retreat or over several weekly sessions in the community. Typically, the curriculum involves listening to presentations on various topics of married life, writing thoughts and reactions to sets of questions on selected topics and having discussions with one’s partner to clarify your attitudes, beliefs and concerns about marriage. Anyone getting married in a Catholic Church should check with their priest to determine what they offer and if there is a requirement to attend the program.

Protestant and Jewish religions followed suit and also began offering their own individual programs tailored to the beliefs and traditions of their faiths. However, unlike Engaged Encounter, these offerings can be quite varied, community to community, and depend on the interests and resources of the particular church or religious personnel involved. Sometimes, the program may consist of one or more informal meetings with a pastor or simply reading a book and followed up by a discussion.

Some churches, especially among the Protestant faiths, have “marriage mentors” who volunteer their time to meet with engaged couples to answer questions and discuss issues. In many cases, these mentors will continue to be available to the married couple long after the wedding is over. Faith-based marriage preparation services also may be the right choice for couples on a limited budget since the costs are usually minimal, if not free of charge.

Pre-Marital Counseling

Another option to consider is pre-marital counseling with a mental health professional. Many couples may have particular issues they want to work on and prefer a more customized approach that individual sessions can provide. With individualized therapy, couples can explore in more depth such issues as in-laws, finances, remarriage and differences in backgrounds. Although many therapists provide pre-marital counseling, it is best to select one who is a specialist in couples therapy since they will have more expertise in helping couples. Typically, pre-marital counseling utilizes a three to five session format with one hour meetings scheduled weekly. Private counseling is the most expensive of the options described here. However, if your health insurance covers mental health services, you may even be able to get some reimbursement for the fees.

In some cases, therapists might suggest you and your partner take a relationship questionnaire or inventory to give you information about your relationship strengths and challenge areas. The three pre-marital inventories currently available on the market are Prepare/Enrich (www.lifeinnovations.com), Foccus (used in Engaged Encounter) and Relate (www.relate- institute.org). Prepare and Foccus are only offered through a licensed counselor whereas anyone can take the Relate questionnaire, which is available, online for only $20 per couple. All questionnaires provide a detailed written report about the couple’s communication styles, values, goals and relationship dynamics that can serve as a discussion guide to augment whatever program you decide to pursue.

Skill-based Programs

Within the last ten years, a new breed of non-religious, skill-based marriage preparation classes have begun to be offered. These classes and workshops teach couples the lessons from the latest marriage research studies that emphasize the importance of using particular skills and strategies to promote marital longevity. These studies have yielded an impressive body of knowledge that can easily be taught and applied to couples.

In essence, by teaching couples how to protect their relationship by giving them tools to resolve conflicts that can undermine their love and commitment, couples can safeguard their relationship as they navigate through the challenging early years. Specifically, by listening and communicating better, dealing with personal differences and establishing a “we-ness” while learning how to decrease negative interactions, unreasonable expectations and challenges to marital commitment, couples can create a framework that promotes marital happiness. Having a foundation based on mutual understanding, agreed upon strategies and personal awareness is crucial to making the transition to married life, especially if having children is part of the plan.

Skill-based programs are typically available in the community either in a weekend workshop format or over several weekly sessions. The cost varies depending on what is provided but the typical range is between $300 – $500 per couple. If you happen to reside in certain states like Maryland, Florida, Minnesota or Oklahoma, taking a marriage preparation class can also earn you a discount on your marriage license fee!

Making the Decision

So what’s the next step? Talk with your partner, your parents, your wedding planner or your clergy about whether marriage preparation makes sense for you. Visit the Smart Marriages website (www.smartmarriages.com) on the Internet to get more information and a listing of programs available in your area. And if you are too busy to do anything before the wedding, consider that half of the couples in many of the skill-based programs are newlyweds.

The important thing to remember is that if you want the best marriage possible, it takes some knowledge, effort and skill, like any of the truly important things in life. So start now, during your “magic window” and build the marriage of a lifetime!

1. Family

“His family’s guest list is too long, and they are not even chipping in for the wedding.”

We don’t think we have EVER heard of two families coming up with the same number of invited guests, so this is a most predictable dilemma. The real issue is when the difference is very large and one member of the couple feels concerned their family and friends will be outnumbered. The issue can be further complicated if money is tight or the family who is footing the bill has limited financial means. The first question for the couple to determine is what size of wedding they want and how much do they want to spend? In most cases, the number of invitees will be determined by the size of the wedding budget. So you can work back from those decisions to set a maximum number for the guest list. In a perfect world, the wedding list would be equally divided between both families. But when the wedding site is located near or at the home of one of the families (as if often the case), invariably that family’s guest list is higher due to proximity and other family and community obligations. Talk these issues out in a non-defensive way and see how important they are to each of you. Negotiate, compromise and creatively problem solve to make whatever proportion of guests assigned to each family acceptable for both of you. And always be on the lookout for conflicts like these to be about “hidden issues”. Ask yourself what it means if there is a great disparity between the size of each family’s guest list or the amount of money each family contributes. Are either of you sensitive about issues of fairness or balance? Does one of you have a greater sense of obligation to your parents that the wedding be a certain way?

2. Groom’s Involvement In The Wedding Planning

“He doesn’t even seem to care about the color of the table linens – what is he, insane?”

It is very common for the bride to care more about wedding details than the groom. Some of this has to do with how males and females are socialized. Many women grow up thinking and fantasizing about their wedding day (even career oriented, feminist women). On the other hand, I have met very few men who grew up thinking and dreaming about their wedding day in the same way. So, it is understandable that the bride will probably care more about those wedding details. Find out what details he does care about or have an interest in. Try to engage and involve him in areas that he has an opinion about (ie. food, music, honeymoon destination etc.) and then let him make some important decisions about those areas. Discuss this openly and see if you can parcel out areas of decisionmaking where one of you will take the lead and the other defers. Make sure there are not any underlyng issues (i.e. he feels he should defer to you because “you are the bride–its your day or he feels that your parents or his parents are interfering with the wedding plans). Remember the wedding day is for both of you, even if you as the bride make more of the wedding plans and decisions.

3. Money

“You are spending big bucks on your dress; he wants to go to Bora Bora on the honeymoon.”

Financial issues are the #1 problem that married couples fight about, so it is not surprising that this issue comes up in the planning for a very expensive wedding. In fact, for many couples, the wedding may be the opening bell on the money topic just because it may be the first time you and your fiance are challenged to resolve differences over a high expense item. First, talk about your expectations in terms of what you want your wedding to be and what you are comfortable spending. Do you have a budget? Are you getting any financial help from your parents? Read books together about the typical costs of weddings. Many people are shocked at how expensive the wedding photographer, wedding dress, food and music can be. Share with each other your feelings and priorities in the wedding budget and see if you can come up with a compromise that works well for both of you.

4. Religion

“Why isn’t he making an effort to understand my traditions?”

Weddings are very tradition-bound and this may be the first time your respective family religious beliefs, rituals, expectations and values have emerged in your relationship life. Sometimes weddings force some of the religious and cultural differences between the couple to come up because your parents and your families may be involved (perhaps for the first time) and possibly exerting pressure for certain traditions to be honored. First, discuss all of these issues with your fiance. Don’t expect him to know he should be making an effort to understand your traditions when he may not even know it IS an issue. Identify what traditions are most important to you and share them with him so he knows what they mean to you. Ask him to identify his traditions that he would like included. If the real issue is how much influence one family or the other will have on the choice of traditions, that needs to be dealt with separately. Rather than viewing this as a conflict area, you might think of it as a situation that calls for a deeper understanding of who each of you are in the eyes of your partner. If handled calmly and sensitively, a discussion like this can be an opportunity to get to know yourself and you partner better just by getting clear about what these traditions mean and say about each other. By thinking positive, you can push through to some of the subtle differences that exist between you that may not have had a chance to emerge yet.

5. Aesthetics

“He wants dark green ink on the invitations, but you want pale green. He wants candles on the tables, you think they look silly. What’s going on?”

So…you wanted your fiance to be more interested in the wedding details. Now you have a more involved groom, so a new problem. Both of you need to share the power and decision-making regarding wedding plans. Listen to each other’s thoughts and feelings about the details in an open, nonjudgmental way. Decide on priorities-try having each person rate on a scale of 1-10 the importance of each detail (i.e. he may rate entertainment, food higher. She may rate wedding dress, flowers etc.) If something is really important (i.e. 9 or 10) to one person and not the other, try to assign the responsibility according to importance. Remember it is good practice to learn early on how to prioritize, negotiate and compromise. These skills will come in very handy later on!

6. Territory

“Why does he think we should be married in New Jersey, just because we live here? We need to be in South Carolina, with my family. His relatives can fly in from Ohio.”

The location of the wedding is often determined by how old the members of the couple are and how close or separate they are from their respective families. Typically, for a first-time wedding for the bride (especially if it is a first time wedding for the bride’s family), the bride and her family may want to host the event at a location that is convenient for them. In older couples who have more established lives in their own communities, (and who are often are assuming more responsibility for the cost and planning of the wedding), they may want to make it convenient for their many friends to attend, so they want it near their home. Many other issues could be driving the differences in what each of you want. Identify what the real issue may be before trying to solve it. Disucss why you have the particular preference that you do and then see if you can understand it from your partner’s point of view. After being heard and understood, work toward a compromise that is acceptable for you both. Take into account that you may have different levels of investment in certain outcomes. Try to accommodate what each of you really wants and needs and then negotiate a creative solution to make it happen. If still stuck, think about having a second, smaller reception in the location preferred by the less invested member of the couple.

7. Friends

“He picked for his best man his jerk of a college roommate who is intent only on getting my fiancé drunk at our wedding.”

First of all remember that the issue is not about who the best man is but what you are concerned about in terms of the best man’s influence on your fiance or the wedding itself. That makes the focus for the resolution between you and your partner. First, tell your fiance what your concerns are. Remember that everyone has a right to include the people who are important to them in their wedding ceremony. It has to be fair to both of you. And don’t expect to like all of each other’s friends all the time! But the issue here is probably about accepting some of the differences between you and your partner (in this case your friends) and working to communicate whatever feelings you have about them and what this is really about for you. If necessary, come up with some understandings or even agreements that suggest how you both will handle certain circumstances should they arise. Find ways to accept the diversity of personalities that always comes when two families and sets of friends start getting blended. Try to be flexible, non-judgemental and creative in addressing the issues. If there are particular aspects of the best man’s personality or behavior that are a special cause of concern (for example if the best man has a drinking problem like Sandra Bullock in the movie 28 Days), the groom might address these concerns directly with the best man before the wedding.

8. The Wedding Obsession

“He says, ‘Who is this detail-obsessed, wedding-magazine-reading woman and where is the girl who used to sit with me watching baseball and drinking beer?’”

Both partners have emotional needs here. The bride needs to enjoy this wedding obsession, but it is also a matter of degree. Do they talk about anything else anymore? She also needs to make time for his needs and interests. He probably misses her sharing baseball and beer with him. Many women have more interest and tolerance of wedding details than men do. However, be sure that the wedding focus does not completely overshadow the other aspects of the relationship. Make room for both needs and likely the bride and groom will both be happier.

9. Pre- and Post-Nuptials

“Why is he so intent on planning our divorce when we aren’t even married yet?”

This is a common reaction that people have when one member of the couple suggests signing a pre-nuptial or post-nuptial agreement. To be sure, it’s a sign of the times considering our concerns over the divorce rate, the popularity of community property laws and no-fault divorces as well as the increasing importance of money in our society today. Pre and post-nuptial agreements are most common when there is a large disparity in personal and family assets that each member of the couple brings to the union. Recognise that your respective financial fortunes are also tying the knot when you get married so money issues are likely to emerge at this time if they haven’t already. But, first and foremost, this is usually experienced as an emotional issue between the couple, often involving feelings of trust, commitment and faith in each other and the future of the marriage. And that’s what must be discussed first before any resolution can be agreed upon. The person requesting the pre or post-nuptial will hopefully have communicated his or her reasons for wanting the agreement. The other person will have to get clear what their feelings are and what other issues it might bring up for them. Try communicating all of this to your partner who should make every effort to listen non-defensively and understand the feelings their partner has. Expect this issue to take time to resolve. Keep an eye on communicating clearly and without anger or defensiveness and make a special effort to listen and understand each person’s point of view. Separate out what each person wants from what their families want because this is an area where families may be exerting some influence. If you remain stuck, try seeing a trained counselor who has experience working with pre-marital couples. Don’t let this issue remain unresolved because it can erode the love you have for each other.

10. The Past

“He is good friends with an old girlfriend, and wants her to attend the wedding. I want her dead.”

The ex-partner dilemma is very common and very complicated. Rather than impulsively react or throw an ultimatum at him/her, first try to really hear each other out about what this relationship really means for him and for you. What is this really about for both of you? Listen carefully and sort out the true meaning and then let that guide your reaction. How would you feel if the ex-girlfriend came to the wedding? How would he feel? Now, what if she doesn’t come to the wedding? Absolutely, the primary relationship must be between the bride and the groom. You two need to discuss how involved ex-girlfriends and ex-boyfriends are going to be in your life together. No right or wrong here, you just need to come up with an agreement that works well enough for both of you. If he wants his ex-girlfriend in your lives, maybe a compromise would be to all go out together after the wedding when you are hopefully feeling more secure/less jealous after you are already married!

11. The Bachelor Party:

“Some of his friends are plannning to invite a stripper to his bachelor party and I am horrified they will force him to do something that I will be mad at him for.”

Ah yes, that time-honored tradition of one last fling before a man gives up his reckless ways! This situation is often driven by the friends of the groom and their last hurrah before “losing” him to marriage and the wife’s supposed control over him for the rest of his life. The big question is what does the groom want this rite of passage from singlehood to married life to be about? The groom has every right to communicate with his friends what he is and is not comfortable with in terms of a bachelor celebration. If he wants a racy experience, then he will have to address this with his fiance and determine what that means and what is acceptable in terms of their relationship. Again, resolving this issue may take good communication and patience to hear each other out before deciding what compromise might work for both. In many cases, this may raise concerns about fidelity and commitment to the relationship. If there is an underlying issue, try to identify it first and then describe it clearly with your partner. Whatever you decide, don’t let it eat away at the good feelings you have for each other and what the wedding is supposed to be celebrating. If it does, you haven’t resolved it yet and need more time to get it right.

Stanley’s findings are consistent with those of another study reported this past June by David Popenoe at the Rutgers Marriage Project that elaborated on the reasons behind the data. He found that men who drift into a marriage as an inevitable next step in a cohabiting arrangement or are responding to pressure from the woman to “make it official” show low commitment to the relationship overall and were both reluctant to get married as well as not as less likely to stay in the marriage over the next 10 years. The new research also shows that among co-habitating couples, 50% marry within five years, 40% break-up and 10% continue living together indefinitely. Considering that the 2000 Census showed that 50-60% of all new marriages involved couples who previously lived together, these findings are stirring up controversy in bedrooms across America.

Reasons Behind the Findings

While these findings are provocative, the authors of the studies are not fully clear about what is driving these changes in attitudes, values and behaviors about marriage. We do know that the national marriage rate (percentage of all individuals getting married) has been falling in recent years as the co-habitation rates have been rising. Couples have also delayed getting married because of extended schooling, a desire to put one’s career first and the need to save for a down payment on a house. Women figure prominently in this new social development due to their desire to delay pregnancy and establish independent lives. Finally, there is no longer any social stigma attached to living together so that couples can consider this option based solely on preference, convenience and other practical realities.

Although cohabitation is not as popular in American as in Europe–where it is clearly seen a viable alternative to marriage- for some Americans it is becoming just that–a more preferred and stable living arrangement. Among those who have been previously divorced, hurt by past marriages or elderly (who have specific financial and custodial arrangements in place), cohabitation appears to be functioning as an alternative to marriage and remarriage. And among the Generation X population, many of whom grew up in divorced families, cohabitation may seem a reasonable next (and extra) step on the commitment continuum from serious dating to engagement. In this way, living together represents a less risky proposition than “taking the leap” that marriage represents for so many.

In our Marriage Prep 101 workshops which is offered to “pre-engaged, engaged and newlywed couples, roughly half of all couples report living together prior to marriage. Some of these couples are taking the workshop to sort out specific relationship issues before going ahead with the formal engagement. Based on our experience and combined with some data from a small, non-scientific survey we have conducted, a number of interesting developments are emerging that may help couples who are living together gain some clarity about their reasons, options and expectations for themselves and their partners.